Of hope and love

I used to dislike those so-called ‘pious’ Christians when I was younger. But as time passes, I find myself drawn to same group of people and finding myself labelled as such. I felt like a hypocrite. However, it was during the journey during pre and post teenagehood where I really searched.

I find myself drawn to Christ and Christianity in secondary school and college years. I may not reflect Christ as much, but I truly believed the Truth. I want to feel Him so badly.

Don’t get me wrong. I know He is real. I have so a lot to testify about His goodness. But above all, I still find something unsettling at times. I do not want to see Christianity as merely a religion. I think it isn’t at all. I hate being called “the religious girl who hangs out with the religious group”. I wanted so badly to convince myself in my spiritual issues. I know it is not prosperity-minus-hardships all the way. Jesus says if we want to follow Him, we are to ‘carry the cross’ and ‘deny yourself’. In those days, it meant “go die”. But we can still rejoice, in spite of hardship. I wrote a piece not long ago here about what I learnt about hardships.

Anyway, my biggest problem today is actually my current very bad-shaped spiritual life at home. I realised that I backslide every time I come back home. Home becomes a place where I become so complacent that I slowly push Christ out from the picture. How ironic it is when I hear typical testimonies in church by the youth when they say how much they backslided when they left home for college abroad. It is completely opposite for me. You can just imagine how much rubbish I have accumulated after almost 8 months being home. It is very, very awful.

I can even reason.. missing church for one Sunday does not make you less a Christian.. it is the personal relationship which really matters. I even reached the extent where I started thinking of the possibilities of not attending church when I go over. Or, dating a non-believer. Am I out of my mind?

I fear for my days in London, really.

Anyway, what really brought me to writing this piece is actually a phone conversation I had last night with a friend. I got very, very shocked when he told me he thought I’m a Buddhist.

Jaw dropped.. eyes popped out..

I wasn’t offended but it is just so ironic because people label me as ‘the Christian’ and never the ‘non-believer’, what more a Buddhist. I surprised myself. Have I portrayed myself that way? Or have I tried concealing my Christian status?

Bummers!

What is so shameful about being a Christian? I really felt ashamed at myself. Not only I am not reflecting Christ’s glory, I made people think I am not one of His. How am I supposed to be a missionary if people do not even see Christ in me? It is a troubling thing. I don’t mean that I should go around announcing that I am a Christian or preaching the good news, but it should at least show in my character. I need a self-examination. Repentance.

And someone to keep me accountable on my spiritual life.

Dear Lord, forgive me for all my shortcomings. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit. I want to be more and more like You. Take away my selfishness. I’m so sorry. It is all about You, but many times, I fail to see that. I fail to carry the cross. I think of myself more and slowly phase You out. I am so sorry. Lord, help me. Transform me into Your likeness. I pray in Jesus’s most precious Name, Amen.

Comments

wanna start with 40 days prayer and fasting? =)or at least the prayer part… me willing to be ur accountability partner.. i need one too! ;p

[Reply]

lynnx01 reply on July 28th, 2009 8:19 am:

But it has already started!

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ed reply on July 30th, 2009 3:21 pm:

can still continue wat… ;p

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Posted by: ed | July 28th, 2009 00:39

dont worrie abt ur days ahead! God has already taken care of it…any time u feel that you fallen down, just go back to God. He welcomes us with open arms! That’s what His love is all about! Plus…enjoy ur London days..dont worrie so much!

[Reply]

lynnx01 reply on July 28th, 2009 8:21 am:

Surprisingly, this morning, I woke up with this BM song ‘Ku Mau Cinta Yesus Selamanya’ playing in my head. All along, it has been those chinese songs (Chaw Ge’s latest album).. so I went to look for the song online. Hehhe.

[Reply]

Posted by: lynn-w | July 28th, 2009 02:58

yea don’t worry so much. just embrace it when it comes to you. let God guide you when u reach there and everything there. you might be surprise to find that you will grow to love the place there.

[Reply]

lynnx01 reply on July 29th, 2009 9:52 pm:

Thanks, Jas.

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Posted by: ueiying | July 28th, 2009 17:49

hahaha fancy ppl thinking that u are buddist.. weird.. hehee..

[Reply]

Posted by: ueiying | July 28th, 2009 17:54

im sure you’ll be fine in london! just commit your plans to Him and you will surely succeed

[Reply]

lynnx01 reply on July 29th, 2009 9:56 pm:

Yes, never leave Him out of the picture.

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Posted by: joon | July 29th, 2009 21:48